Abracadabbler: an amateur magician.
Badaptation: a bad movie version of a good book.
Carbage: the trash found in your automobile.
Dadicated: being the best father you can be.
Ecrastinate: checking your e-mail just one more time.
Faddict: someone who has to try every new trend that comes along.
Gabberflasted: the state of being speechless due to someone else talking too much.
Hackchoo: when you sneeze and cough at the same time.
Iceburg: an uppity, snobbish neighborhood.
Jobsolete: a position within a company that no longer exists.
Knewlyweds: second marriage for both.
Lamplify: turning on (or up) the lights within a room.
Mandals: sandals for men.
Nagivator: someone who constantly assists with driving directions in an overly critical manner.
Obliment: an obligatory compliment.
Pestariffic: adjective describing a particularly pesty person.
Qcumbersome: a salad that contains too many cucumbers.
Ramdumbtious: a rowdy, energetic person who's not too bright.
Sanktuary: a graveyard for ships.
Testimoney: fees paid to expert witnesses.
Unbrella: an umbrella that the wind has turned inside-out.
Vehiculized: you own a vehicle.
Wackajacky: very messed up.
Xerocks: two identical pieces of stone.
Yawnese: the language of someone trying to speak while yawning.
Zingle: a single person with a lot of pep in his or her step.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
You're not a kid anymore when ...
- The only reason you're awake at 4 a.m. is indigestion.
- You are proud of your lawnmower.
- 8 a.m. is your idea of "sleeping in."
- People call you at 8 p.m. and ask: "Did I wake you?"
- Your high school diploma is the color of buttermilk.
- Nobody ever tells you to slow down.
- You've seen Halley's Comet ... twice.
- * You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
Back to the Basics: Simple Ways to Improve Your Finances
Steve Scalici, CFP(r)
This month I want to start you off with a riddle. Here are the facts:
1. You have two coins that total $.30.
2. One of the coins is not a nickel.
Here is the question: How do you make $.30 with two coins if one of them is not a nickel? (Answer at end of the article).
Sometimes we miss the obvious. We get so consumed by everything around us we forget the basics. I am always fooled by riddles. And, when I hear the answer to the riddle, I usually say something like “duh.” I can’t believe the answer was so simple. Sometimes I get caught up thinking things have to be difficult when in fact they rarely are. A lot of us can feel that way about our finances. Sometimes I share a concept with someone and they looked at me as if to say “that’s it?” “That’s all you’ve got, Mr. CFP?” Sometimes it is. Sometimes, there are some obvious things that people miss when trying to figure out their finances. Sometimes I feel like the things I tell people are so simple they won’t believe me. The older I get, the more I realize that most things are really simple.
As you start 2007, I want to encourage you to think about trying to do two simple things to help improve your finances. I don’t want you to make a resolution to do it because we know that no one keeps their resolutions.
1. Spend less than you make.
Proverbs 21:20 (NIV) - In the house of the wise are stores of choice food and oil,
but a foolish man devours all he has.
This sounds easy, but less than 10% of the population actually does it. The average family in America now spends 106% of its income1. How does that happen you might ask? It’s simple: easy credit. Easy credit has made it so that we can buy what we want, when we want it. We don’t have to develop the discipline of saving because we can simply charge it.
If you spend less than you make, you will never struggle with money. There will always be something left over.
You may have heard this before: Give 10%, save 10%, and live on the rest. This is a great principle to live by. Now, how do you live on 80% of what you earn when the average (read: normal) family spends 106%? The answer is quite simple: don’t be normal. If normal causes you become financially strapped, stop being normal. Normal is being in debt. You want to be abnormal. As a kid, I was told I was abnormal. I always thought that was a derogatory comment. Now I’m flattered by it.
“Normal” is trying to impress others with your stuff. It doesn’t work. Chris Andrews of BYI has been credited with saying: "We buy things we don't need with money we don't have in order to impress people we don't really care about." How true is that? This just in: The Jones’ don’t care about you. They don’t even know who you are. Stop trying to impress them.
2. Save early and save often
My seventh grade computer teacher used to say this all the time and now I find myself saying it quite often. This basic principle of computers can help ensure you don’t lose your work. When applied to finances, it can help you become financially free.
Proverbs 6:6 – 8 (NIV) says: “Go to the ant, you sluggard; consider its ways and be wise! It has no commander, no overseer or ruler, yet it stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest.
Albert Einstein said: “Compound interest is the most powerful force on the earth.” That’s a pretty strong statement from someone who understood power. It was his E=MC2 formula that led to the creation of the atom bomb. Here’s a sample of the power of compound interest:
At age 20, John begins to save $2,000 per year and he does this for a period of ten years at which time he stops. He leaves his investment alone and allows it grow at a hypothetical return of 10%. When he is age 65 that account would be worth almost $900,000! His $20,000 investment grew 45-fold.
Fred decides that he’s having too much fun right now and decides to put off investing. He waits until he is 30. But, he figures, he’ll do one better than John and he will invest $2,000 per year until he is 65 for a total investment of $70,000. Now, it stands to reason that Fred would have much more money than John because he is going to invest a great deal more. But, not so fast. Fred ends up with a measly $550,000. As a matter of fact, Fred would have to invest over $3,300 per year at 10% for the 30 year period to catch up with John. That’s a total investment of almost $100,000.
Note: this is a mathematical illustration and is not based on any investment portfolio. Past performance is not a guarantee of future results.
Time is your greatest advocate when it comes to saving money. It allows the compounding effect to pay off for you.
These are just two of the basic principles we should all understand. If you master these you will be well on your way to financial freedom.
Riddle answer: You have a quarter and a nickel. The quarter is one of the coins that is not a nickel.
1 Source – www.cnnfn.com. December 14, 2003. “Has your debt taken over your life?”
Steve Scalici is the Vice President of Treasure Coast Financial, a financial planning firm in Stuart, FL. He is co-host of God's Money which can be heard weekdays at www.oneplace.com. He can also be reached at his website www.tcfin.com.
Help make English our official language
American Family Association
A common language, not “diversity,” makes our country stronger
Recently, the mayor of Nashville vetoed a bill that would have made English the city’s official language. He called the measure “unconstitutional, unnecessary, and mean-spirited.” U.S. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid even called a bill to make English our official language “racist.”
A Zogby poll last year showed that 84% say English should be the official language of government operations. The poll also showed that 77% of Hispanics support English as our official language.
It is time for liberal members of Congress to quit playing politics with the future of all children --U.S. and Immigrant--and follow the lead of 28 states which have made English their official language. Failure for Congress to act will establish a major obstacle for immigrant children as they try to move up in our society.
Without a common language, citizens cannot communicate with each other. Any child growing up in America without knowing English is at a distinct disadvantage. At a time when our society is becoming more fragmented, we need an official, common language. Diverse cultures, different backgrounds and varied traditions enrich our culture. But for the nation to thrive, we must have a common language.
As Ed Feulner points out, “instead of having one official language, in practice we have dozens.” Click here to read Mr. Feulner’s article.
Take Action Send an email urging members of Congress to make English the official language.
Please forward this to friends and family asking them to help.
A common language, not “diversity,” makes our country stronger
Recently, the mayor of Nashville vetoed a bill that would have made English the city’s official language. He called the measure “unconstitutional, unnecessary, and mean-spirited.” U.S. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid even called a bill to make English our official language “racist.”
A Zogby poll last year showed that 84% say English should be the official language of government operations. The poll also showed that 77% of Hispanics support English as our official language.
It is time for liberal members of Congress to quit playing politics with the future of all children --U.S. and Immigrant--and follow the lead of 28 states which have made English their official language. Failure for Congress to act will establish a major obstacle for immigrant children as they try to move up in our society.
Without a common language, citizens cannot communicate with each other. Any child growing up in America without knowing English is at a distinct disadvantage. At a time when our society is becoming more fragmented, we need an official, common language. Diverse cultures, different backgrounds and varied traditions enrich our culture. But for the nation to thrive, we must have a common language.
As Ed Feulner points out, “instead of having one official language, in practice we have dozens.” Click here to read Mr. Feulner’s article.
Take Action Send an email urging members of Congress to make English the official language.
Please forward this to friends and family asking them to help.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Bob Woodruff -- The Miraculous Recovery
On Jan. 29, 2006, Bob Woodruff was nearly killed by a roadside bomb north of Baghdad. Woodruff, an ABC anchor, and cameraman Doug Vogt were with the U.S. 4th Infantry Division. They were travelling in an armored vehicle. Woodruff and Vogt were standing with their heads above a hatch when the bomb exploded.
Although both wore body armor and helmets, they sustained considerable injuries. After surgery at a U.S. military hospital in Iraq, Vogt recovered. Woodruff, however, was kept in a medically induced coma. ABC News has posted a slide show depicting Woodruff’s recovery. It’s amazing.
Boarding for MSY
From Joe Bouza
Recently on a flight getting ready to depart for New Orleans:
"I've been transferred to New Orleans , there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."
Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
Recently on a flight getting ready to depart for New Orleans:
"I've been transferred to New Orleans , there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."
Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Friday, February 23, 2007
Radical FAA Funding Scheme
AOPA members are incensed about the Bush administration's attempt to radically alter the FAA funding scheme.
In an open letter to members, AOPA President Phil Boyer this week talked about the administration's plan to "coddle the airlines and kill general aviation with a 70-cents-a-gallon avgas tax, user fees for flying into Class B airspace, and new or increased fees for other FAA 'services.'"
One member, echoing the feelings of some others, wrote: "I'm going to sell my airplane now, Phil, and give up flying because I won't be able to afford it anymore."
While encouraging members not to despair because the winnable fight has just begun, Boyer unveiled AOPA's strategic battle plan. It calls for bringing pressure to bear on certain members of Congress at specific times. In the coming months, members will be called to help, but in a highly targeted fashion. And when the final bills are up for vote by the entire Congress, AOPA will issue a national call to action.
For those who want to write their representatives now, AOPA is providing detailed information on what to say and how to send it. With Congress in recess this week, Boyer also urged members to talk to congressional representatives while they are back at home meeting with constituents.
In an open letter to members, AOPA President Phil Boyer this week talked about the administration's plan to "coddle the airlines and kill general aviation with a 70-cents-a-gallon avgas tax, user fees for flying into Class B airspace, and new or increased fees for other FAA 'services.'"
One member, echoing the feelings of some others, wrote: "I'm going to sell my airplane now, Phil, and give up flying because I won't be able to afford it anymore."
While encouraging members not to despair because the winnable fight has just begun, Boyer unveiled AOPA's strategic battle plan. It calls for bringing pressure to bear on certain members of Congress at specific times. In the coming months, members will be called to help, but in a highly targeted fashion. And when the final bills are up for vote by the entire Congress, AOPA will issue a national call to action.
For those who want to write their representatives now, AOPA is providing detailed information on what to say and how to send it. With Congress in recess this week, Boyer also urged members to talk to congressional representatives while they are back at home meeting with constituents.
1907: Theodore Roosevelt's ideas on Immigrants and being an AMERICAN
"In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the person's becoming in every facet an American, and nothing but an American...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people."
-- Theodore Roosevelt 1907
-- Theodore Roosevelt 1907
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Wedding anniversary
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really upset. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds, and, IT BETTER BE THERE."
The next morning Bob got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and, sure enough, there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Bob have been scheduled for Friday.
The next morning Bob got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and, sure enough, there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Bob have been scheduled for Friday.
Strategic Stewardship: Bargains by the Month
Mary Hunt
Okay, I’ll say a word and you respond with the first thing that pops into your head:
Me: January
You: White Sales!
Excellent response — the very one I was hoping for to set the tone for this article. There was a time that our grandmothers patched the sheets while waiting for the the January White Sales.
But times have changed. It is increasingly a buyer’s market thanks to the advent of online shopping and so many retailers vying for our dollars.
Learning to "shop smart" is a great way to reduce debt and become a better steward. And in recent years some of the best sales often take place immediately before the related holiday or season.
Here’s a month-by-month guide for the best times to purchase all sorts of consumer goods:
January
Besides everything Christmas, this is the time to stock up on calendars, planners and date books while they’re available and at rock bottom prices. TVs are priced lowest during the two weeks prior to the Super Bowl.
Look for bargain prices on workout gear and fitness equipment to appeal to your New Year’s resolutions.
January is still a great time to land excellent deals on high-thread-count sheets as well as other "white sale" items like towels and blankets.
February
President’s Day is the cue for furniture retailers to offer blow-out bargains, especially on upholstered furniture. Watch for jewelry sales in honor of Valentine’s Day, and don’t be afraid to negotiate even the sale price on jewelry.
March
Even though it still feels like winter, home improvement centers haul out air conditioners in March and put them on sale. Other bargains: Winter sporting equipment and, oddly, frozen foods. March is National Frozen Food month so plan to fill your freezer with great bargains from Birdseye and Pictsweet for starters.
April
Home improvement items like flooring, house paint and gardening supplies are good buys now in anticipation of spring home-cleanup projects. And eggs—both chocolate and fowl. Think: Easter.
May
Mattresses and box springs are highly promoted from late May to early fall. This is when retailers gain significant support from the mattress manufacturers in the form of advertising and special offers. Memorial Day weekend is the traditional signal for big-ticket items like major appliances to go on sale.
June
If you’re not too picky, this is a great month to buy a wedding dress. What hasn’t sold gets highly discounted in anticipation of a new season of bridal wear. Home tools and hardware, dairy foods (yep, it’s National Dairy Month) and menswear are the hot items for June.
July
Electronics, including air conditioners (what’s left by this time in the season) and ceiling fans; craft supplies, summer clothes, shoes, swim wear and barbecues are offered at bargain prices this month.
August
Outdoor furniture, now marked down, is taking its last breath as the season winds down. Fresh produce is cheap this month as are school supplies and pre-season fall fashions. And white sale items are now offered routinely in August. My grandmother would be happy.
September
Golf clubs are a bargain this month along with canned goods (retailers want you to stock up for the long winter ahead), scooters, bikes and ... houses. Home sellers who were unsuccessful in selling during the summer are anxious to move before Christmas. They are more likely this month to listen to your ridiculously low offer.
October
This is the big candy month of the year. Stock up for all your holidays. And it may be a good time to buy a new car—if you must. In October salespeople are getting nervous about meeting or beating year-end quotas.
November
Turkeys are priced dirt cheap from now through Christmas. So are cranberries. Stock the freezer because a turkey that remains frozen is good for at least a year. And while you’re at it stock up on baking supplies at rock bottom prices. Blankets, comforters and winter wear will also be deeply discounted to boost retailers’ holiday cash-flow.
December
It used to be you had to wait until after Christmas for the sales. But in today’s market, everything you can imagine from toys to computers, shoes to perfume, crystal to party foods, cell phones and baby furniture are on sale in hopes of boosting holiday retail sales.
_____________________________________________
Except in the case of a dire emergency — I can’t actually think of one right now, perhaps you can — there is no reason to pay retail. But that assumes you have the financial maturity to delay gratification and wait until you find that item for less. And it is in that period of waiting that something may happen to help you save even more.
You may change your mind and decide you don’t need it after all. Or more likely, you’ll forget that you "needed" it in the first place.
And if you don’t, you’ll know you exercised great financial wisdom in making yourself wait until you found the best price and the most value.
"Debt-Proof Living" was founded in 1992 by Mary Hunt. What began as a newsletter to encourage and empower people to break free from the bondage of consumer debt has grown into a huge community of ordinary people who have achieved remarkable success in their quest to effectively manage their money and stay out of debt. Today, "Debt-Proof Living" is read by close to 100,000 cheapskates.
Okay, I’ll say a word and you respond with the first thing that pops into your head:
Me: January
You: White Sales!
Excellent response — the very one I was hoping for to set the tone for this article. There was a time that our grandmothers patched the sheets while waiting for the the January White Sales.
But times have changed. It is increasingly a buyer’s market thanks to the advent of online shopping and so many retailers vying for our dollars.
Learning to "shop smart" is a great way to reduce debt and become a better steward. And in recent years some of the best sales often take place immediately before the related holiday or season.
Here’s a month-by-month guide for the best times to purchase all sorts of consumer goods:
January
Besides everything Christmas, this is the time to stock up on calendars, planners and date books while they’re available and at rock bottom prices. TVs are priced lowest during the two weeks prior to the Super Bowl.
Look for bargain prices on workout gear and fitness equipment to appeal to your New Year’s resolutions.
January is still a great time to land excellent deals on high-thread-count sheets as well as other "white sale" items like towels and blankets.
February
President’s Day is the cue for furniture retailers to offer blow-out bargains, especially on upholstered furniture. Watch for jewelry sales in honor of Valentine’s Day, and don’t be afraid to negotiate even the sale price on jewelry.
March
Even though it still feels like winter, home improvement centers haul out air conditioners in March and put them on sale. Other bargains: Winter sporting equipment and, oddly, frozen foods. March is National Frozen Food month so plan to fill your freezer with great bargains from Birdseye and Pictsweet for starters.
April
Home improvement items like flooring, house paint and gardening supplies are good buys now in anticipation of spring home-cleanup projects. And eggs—both chocolate and fowl. Think: Easter.
May
Mattresses and box springs are highly promoted from late May to early fall. This is when retailers gain significant support from the mattress manufacturers in the form of advertising and special offers. Memorial Day weekend is the traditional signal for big-ticket items like major appliances to go on sale.
June
If you’re not too picky, this is a great month to buy a wedding dress. What hasn’t sold gets highly discounted in anticipation of a new season of bridal wear. Home tools and hardware, dairy foods (yep, it’s National Dairy Month) and menswear are the hot items for June.
July
Electronics, including air conditioners (what’s left by this time in the season) and ceiling fans; craft supplies, summer clothes, shoes, swim wear and barbecues are offered at bargain prices this month.
August
Outdoor furniture, now marked down, is taking its last breath as the season winds down. Fresh produce is cheap this month as are school supplies and pre-season fall fashions. And white sale items are now offered routinely in August. My grandmother would be happy.
September
Golf clubs are a bargain this month along with canned goods (retailers want you to stock up for the long winter ahead), scooters, bikes and ... houses. Home sellers who were unsuccessful in selling during the summer are anxious to move before Christmas. They are more likely this month to listen to your ridiculously low offer.
October
This is the big candy month of the year. Stock up for all your holidays. And it may be a good time to buy a new car—if you must. In October salespeople are getting nervous about meeting or beating year-end quotas.
November
Turkeys are priced dirt cheap from now through Christmas. So are cranberries. Stock the freezer because a turkey that remains frozen is good for at least a year. And while you’re at it stock up on baking supplies at rock bottom prices. Blankets, comforters and winter wear will also be deeply discounted to boost retailers’ holiday cash-flow.
December
It used to be you had to wait until after Christmas for the sales. But in today’s market, everything you can imagine from toys to computers, shoes to perfume, crystal to party foods, cell phones and baby furniture are on sale in hopes of boosting holiday retail sales.
_____________________________________________
Except in the case of a dire emergency — I can’t actually think of one right now, perhaps you can — there is no reason to pay retail. But that assumes you have the financial maturity to delay gratification and wait until you find that item for less. And it is in that period of waiting that something may happen to help you save even more.
You may change your mind and decide you don’t need it after all. Or more likely, you’ll forget that you "needed" it in the first place.
And if you don’t, you’ll know you exercised great financial wisdom in making yourself wait until you found the best price and the most value.
"Debt-Proof Living" was founded in 1992 by Mary Hunt. What began as a newsletter to encourage and empower people to break free from the bondage of consumer debt has grown into a huge community of ordinary people who have achieved remarkable success in their quest to effectively manage their money and stay out of debt. Today, "Debt-Proof Living" is read by close to 100,000 cheapskates.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Clogged arteries, anyone?
Diet recommendation by Joe Bouza
Chicken Fried Bacon is the newest fad in fatty foods, courtesy of Frank Sodolak at Sodolak's Original Country Inn in Snook, TX.
Texas Country Reporter Bob Phillips stops by for a taste.
Chicken Fried Bacon is the newest fad in fatty foods, courtesy of Frank Sodolak at Sodolak's Original Country Inn in Snook, TX.
Texas Country Reporter Bob Phillips stops by for a taste.
The 12 steps to cure e-mail addiction
The 12 steps to cure e-mail addiction - CNN.com: "Alcoholics have one, and so do drug abusers. Now people addicted to e-mail also have a 12-step program designed to tackle their obsession."
Find Value in Your Financial Mistakes
Mary Hunt
Have you made any mistakes lately? Want to talk about it? Most people don't. Can't say that I blame them.
It's embarrassing.
When the mistake is a real boner, well that's something you hope to never think about again. And that's a mistake.
Take that fire in my kitchen. It all boiled down to a small mistake-an error in judgment. Setting a skillet of oil over a hot burner then heading for the garage for just a moment to tell your husband that lunch will be ready in five minutes only to be distracted by the arrival of your son and getting caught up in a funny story, well, that's a mistake.
It's not like I intentionally attempted to burn the house down. But had I not learned that it doesn't work to leave hot oil to take care of itself, it is likely I would have tried it again.
Mistakes are useful because they teach us what doesn't work.
While we're on this subject of things that do not work, let us also review the definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.
I've accumulated my list of mistakes over many years. It's like a trophy now-a specific compilation of things that I have proven that simply do not work.
Take a peek:
It doesn't work to be in a supermarket without a plan.
Walking into the grocery store without a plan-for me that means a specific list, coupons and cash-is a terrible mistake. I know me. Without my "crutches" I am a $200 mistake just waiting to happen. And if I'm hungry? Make that $300.
It doesn't work to buy extended warranties on appliances.
Statistically, if an appliance is going to fail it will do so in the first 90 days (the product comes with a warranty to cover this time frame) or after five years (extended warranties aren't that extended). For the record a laptop computer is an exception to this mistake. Laptops fail routinely, trust me.
It doesn't work to lease a car.
And it really doesn't work to roll the shortfall and extra charges at the end of the lease into another lease. To repeat this mistake over and again for no less than 22 years straight is to come dangerously close to insanity.
It doesn't work to buy a 7,000- gallon blow-up swimming pool.
Actually I didn't even know such a thing existed so I can't even say it was something we needed. Standing there in the middle of the Home Show I managed to pull off the impulse purchase of the century (thankfully, it was in the last century). That was a mistake that just kept on giving lessons to be learned until the day several years later we begged Goodwill to just take it away. Please.
Here's the larger lesson I learned from that detour into stupidity:
A true need is never realized while standing in the aisle at Costco, Bloomingdales, Any Home Show, Wal-Mart, Nordstrom or fill in the blank.
If you need something you know you need it before you walk into the store. It is not a discovery you make after you arrive.
It doesn't work to carry more than $100 cash.
Carrying a single $100 bill is a great deterrent for overspending. You don't feel broke, but it's a bill you hate to break. It is also the tipping point. More than $100 is dangerous. For me it creates a feeling of excess that burns a hole in my wallet. It disappears.
It doesn't work to live on credit.
When it comes to mistakes, depending on credit to bridge the gap between what you earn and what you spend is a big one. Debt is a terrible liar, insisting that while you don't have the money today, you'll have it next month. Or the next. Debt keeps you stuck in the past, always stealing from the future.
Debt is reversible, thankfully-provided you don't do it over and over expecting that eventually, somehow you will get different results.
That would be insane.
"The Cheapskate Monthly" was founded in 1992 by Mary Hunt. What began as a newsletter to encourage and empower people to break free from the bondage of consumer debt has grown into a huge community of ordinary people who have achieved remarkable success in their quest to effectively manage their money and stay out of debt. Today, "The Cheapskate Monthly" is read by close to 100,000 Cheapskates. Click here to subscribe.
Have you made any mistakes lately? Want to talk about it? Most people don't. Can't say that I blame them.
It's embarrassing.
When the mistake is a real boner, well that's something you hope to never think about again. And that's a mistake.
Take that fire in my kitchen. It all boiled down to a small mistake-an error in judgment. Setting a skillet of oil over a hot burner then heading for the garage for just a moment to tell your husband that lunch will be ready in five minutes only to be distracted by the arrival of your son and getting caught up in a funny story, well, that's a mistake.
It's not like I intentionally attempted to burn the house down. But had I not learned that it doesn't work to leave hot oil to take care of itself, it is likely I would have tried it again.
Mistakes are useful because they teach us what doesn't work.
While we're on this subject of things that do not work, let us also review the definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.
I've accumulated my list of mistakes over many years. It's like a trophy now-a specific compilation of things that I have proven that simply do not work.
Take a peek:
It doesn't work to be in a supermarket without a plan.
Walking into the grocery store without a plan-for me that means a specific list, coupons and cash-is a terrible mistake. I know me. Without my "crutches" I am a $200 mistake just waiting to happen. And if I'm hungry? Make that $300.
It doesn't work to buy extended warranties on appliances.
Statistically, if an appliance is going to fail it will do so in the first 90 days (the product comes with a warranty to cover this time frame) or after five years (extended warranties aren't that extended). For the record a laptop computer is an exception to this mistake. Laptops fail routinely, trust me.
It doesn't work to lease a car.
And it really doesn't work to roll the shortfall and extra charges at the end of the lease into another lease. To repeat this mistake over and again for no less than 22 years straight is to come dangerously close to insanity.
It doesn't work to buy a 7,000- gallon blow-up swimming pool.
Actually I didn't even know such a thing existed so I can't even say it was something we needed. Standing there in the middle of the Home Show I managed to pull off the impulse purchase of the century (thankfully, it was in the last century). That was a mistake that just kept on giving lessons to be learned until the day several years later we begged Goodwill to just take it away. Please.
Here's the larger lesson I learned from that detour into stupidity:
A true need is never realized while standing in the aisle at Costco, Bloomingdales, Any Home Show, Wal-Mart, Nordstrom or fill in the blank.
If you need something you know you need it before you walk into the store. It is not a discovery you make after you arrive.
It doesn't work to carry more than $100 cash.
Carrying a single $100 bill is a great deterrent for overspending. You don't feel broke, but it's a bill you hate to break. It is also the tipping point. More than $100 is dangerous. For me it creates a feeling of excess that burns a hole in my wallet. It disappears.
It doesn't work to live on credit.
When it comes to mistakes, depending on credit to bridge the gap between what you earn and what you spend is a big one. Debt is a terrible liar, insisting that while you don't have the money today, you'll have it next month. Or the next. Debt keeps you stuck in the past, always stealing from the future.
Debt is reversible, thankfully-provided you don't do it over and over expecting that eventually, somehow you will get different results.
That would be insane.
"The Cheapskate Monthly" was founded in 1992 by Mary Hunt. What began as a newsletter to encourage and empower people to break free from the bondage of consumer debt has grown into a huge community of ordinary people who have achieved remarkable success in their quest to effectively manage their money and stay out of debt. Today, "The Cheapskate Monthly" is read by close to 100,000 Cheapskates. Click here to subscribe.
4GB for Vista? Ugh!
Buying a new PC? 'Windows Vista Capable' barely hits the mark: "users should consider 4GB of RAM if they really want optimum Vista performance"
Monday, February 19, 2007
Carry A Flashlight
A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin.
"Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight."
"Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight."
Definition: "Political Correctness"
from Joe Bouza
The winning entry from the annual contest that calls for the most 'appropriate definition' of a 'contemporary term'.
This year's term: Political Correctness
The winning definition:
Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end!
The winning entry from the annual contest that calls for the most 'appropriate definition' of a 'contemporary term'.
This year's term: Political Correctness
The winning definition:
Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end!
19 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
from Joe Bouza
- At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
- Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
- Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
- Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in."
- Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
- In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds"
- Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
- dont use any punctuation
- As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
- Order diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
- Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
- Sing along at the opera.
- Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
- Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
- Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
- Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, "Rock Bottom".
- When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!, I won!"
- When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!!"
- Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Bravery
“A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is braver five minutes longer.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.”
~ Franklin P. Jones
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.”
~ Franklin P. Jones
Five warning signs that technology is turning you into a machine
- Instead of reading to your children, you e-mail them web-interactive bedtime stories.
- You've been known to e-mail your spouse when he/she is in the same room of the house as you are.
- Given your habit of communicating entirely via e-mail, you haven't spoken to your cubicle neighbor in over three years.
- You've been hospitalized after spraining a thumb on your Blackberry.
- You unwittingly offend your friends by simply saying “LOL” rather than actually laughing at their jokes.
Home Schooling vs. a Mandated Mental Health Agenda
from the Texas Home School Coalition (THSC)You may not know it, but you are in the middle of a battle for the minds of your children.
In 2003 the President’s New Freedom Commission on Mental Health recommended that every American be screened for mental illness. One recommendation was that public schools were a great place to start, and that’s “where the kids are.” This message was repeated at a presentation on TeenScreen®, a depression/suicide screening tool.
Perhaps the most chilling part of the presentation was when Jan Miller, a TeenScreen® supporter from Oregon relayed that, “We are trying to look at how we can reach out into the community and offer that [mental health screening] for families that are home schooling.”
Consider some mental health screening questions:
- Has there been a time when you felt you couldn't do anything well or that you weren't as good-looking or as smart as other people?
- How often did your parents get annoyed or upset with you because of the way you were feeling or acting?
Mental health screening leads to false positives, dangerous drugs and more.
Texas is moving forward with a “mental health transformation” effort that involves mental health screening tools included in your child’s routine doctor visits. This is certainly a way to bring mental health screening to the home school community. We may be able to avoid placing our children in government schools, but we cannot and should not avoid medical care.
Much like the recent vaccine controversy, it is a matter of state government deciding what we should discuss with our physicians. This intrudes on one of the most intimate relationships one can have outside of one’s family.
It would be wise to let your elected officials know how you feel about mental health screening and Texas’s mental health transformation effort. You might mention House Bill 940 by State Representative Diane White Delisi. It appears to be the vehicle for the mental health screening effort. Let your officials know that you, and not the state, are in the best position to determine the physical and social needs of your child.
Articles Regarding Mental Health Screening: Parenting Skills Should Trump Mental Health Screening
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Singing Fish
A man went to a pet store to get a fish. As he was looking around the store, he noticed a strange, brightly colored fish. He asked the owner what the fish was called. “That’s a parrot fish,” said the owner. “It sings like a bird.” The man was incredulous. The owner sensed the man’s hesitancy and told him he could bring the fish back if he wasn’t satisfied. About a week later, the man returned to the store to return the fish. The store owner asked him why. The man replied, “You were right. The fish can sing. But, he’s horribly off key, and it is just too difficult to tuna fish.”
Texas Air Traffic Control
Dallas ATC: "Saudi Air 95, Dallas Tower -- Cleared to land runway 17R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas tower. Acknowledge 95 cleared to land on infidel's runway 17R -- Allah be Praised !!"
Dallas ATC: "Iran Air 44, Dallas Tower -- Cleared to land runway 35L."
Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas Tower. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 35L -- Allah is Great !!"
Pause: Static.............
Saudi Air: " DALLAS TOWER! DALLAS TOWER!!! "
Dallas ATC: "Saudi Air 95?"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS !!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE !!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us -- ya hear?
Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas tower. Acknowledge 95 cleared to land on infidel's runway 17R -- Allah be Praised !!"
Dallas ATC: "Iran Air 44, Dallas Tower -- Cleared to land runway 35L."
Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas Tower. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 35L -- Allah is Great !!"
Pause: Static.............
Saudi Air: " DALLAS TOWER! DALLAS TOWER!!! "
Dallas ATC: "Saudi Air 95?"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS !!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE !!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us -- ya hear?
Friday, February 16, 2007
Paraglider sucked into killer storm
Paraglider sucked into killer storm - Asia-Pacific - MSNBC.com:
"Paraglider survives after soaring to 32,000 feet - Woman awakens encased in ice after going higher than Mount Everest"
Competing for a Darwin Award?
"Paraglider survives after soaring to 32,000 feet - Woman awakens encased in ice after going higher than Mount Everest"
Competing for a Darwin Award?
Bank of America offers credit cards to illegal aliens (OneNewsNow.com)
Bank of America offers credit cards to illegal aliens (OneNewsNow.com): The Wall Street Journal says Bank of America’s decision to offer credit cards to illegal immigrants is the latest sign of the U.S. banking industry's aggressive pursuit of the Hispanic market.
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, th e olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, th e olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
F-14 Tomcat Ride
Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated. He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a F-14 Tomcat.
Now this message is for America's most famous athletes:
Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have . John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity...
Move to Guam.
Change your name.
Fake your own death! Whatever you do . Do Not Go!!!
I know.
The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach.
Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast.
Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ("T-minus 15 seconds and counting ..." Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year- olds waiting for him to say, "We have a liftoff"
Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning.
"Bananas," he said.
"For the potassium?" I asked.
"No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down."
The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot .. But, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it.
A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would "egress" me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious.
Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14.
Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us.
We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie.
And I egressed the bananas.
And I egressed the pizza from the night before.
And the lunch before that.
I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade.
I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that never thought would be egressed.
I went through not one airsick bag, but two.
Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.
I used to know 'cool'. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know 'cool'. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.
A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit.
What is it? I asked.
"Two Bags."
Now this message is for America's most famous athletes:Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have . John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity...
Move to Guam.
Change your name.
Fake your own death! Whatever you do . Do Not Go!!!
I know.
The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach.
Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast.Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ("T-minus 15 seconds and counting ..." Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year- olds waiting for him to say, "We have a liftoff"
Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning.
"Bananas," he said.
"For the potassium?" I asked.
"No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down."
The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot .. But, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it.
A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would "egress" me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious.
Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14.
Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us.
We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie.And I egressed the bananas.
And I egressed the pizza from the night before.
And the lunch before that.
I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade.
I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that never thought would be egressed.
I went through not one airsick bag, but two.
Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.
I used to know 'cool'. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know 'cool'. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.
A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit.
What is it? I asked.
"Two Bags."
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Worst Things To Say On A First Date
I used to have a real bad bedwetting problem ... but the last couple of weeks I've gotten it under control.
I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden ... but could I borrow five hundred dollars?
Go ahead and Super Size - I found spare change in the sofa today.
Something tells me that you're very special ... but with medication I can usually ignore it.
I don't see my ex-girlfriend that much ... thanks to the U.S. Department of Justice.
Do you want to play doctor? That'll be five hundred dollars.
Wait till my wife hears about this!
I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden ... but could I borrow five hundred dollars?
Go ahead and Super Size - I found spare change in the sofa today.
Something tells me that you're very special ... but with medication I can usually ignore it.
I don't see my ex-girlfriend that much ... thanks to the U.S. Department of Justice.
Do you want to play doctor? That'll be five hundred dollars.
Wait till my wife hears about this!
Monday, February 12, 2007
Giant Cargo Ships and Planes
Mighty Servant
Kang Sheng Kou
Sinkings
Snow White
Radar
USS Cole
Thunderhorse
Airbus Beluga
Ан-225
Boeing 747 Shuttle carrier
Kang Sheng Kou
Sinkings
Snow White
Radar
USS Cole
Thunderhorse
Airbus Beluga
Ан-225
Boeing 747 Shuttle carrier
KingAir Blows out windshield, knocks crew out, busts the barber pole in free-fall from FL270, then lands
Home video of anything but a routine landing for two men from
Garter Snake
Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
Here's why.
A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream. The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.
About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.
He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
The little snake again crawled out from under the sofa. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, the burning drapes, were seen by the neighbors who called the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed!
Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
That's when he shot her.
Here's why.
A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream. The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.
About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.
He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
The little snake again crawled out from under the sofa. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, the burning drapes, were seen by the neighbors who called the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed!
Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
That's when he shot her.
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