Randy, the painter, often thinned his paint to make it go further. The Baptist Church decided to restore its biggest building. Randy put in a low bid and got the job. He bought the paint, and, yes, thinned it with turpentine.
Well, Randy was painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a clap of thunder. The sky opened, and the rain poured down. It washed the thinned paint off the church. Randy fell from the scaffold, landing among the gravestones. He was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty.
Randy raised his voice to the heavens, crying, "Oh, God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from above, a mighty voice roared: “Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
Friday, February 9, 2007
FAA Proposes To Revamp Pilot Certification Regs
The FAA is proposing a major overhaul of its pilot certification regulations—FAR Part 61—that includes more than 200 changes. Many of those improvements stem from years of AOPA advocacy. The FAA is proposing three of AOPA's four major recommendations:
- Allow CFIs to renew their privileges every two years while keeping the original certificates;
- extend the duration of a student pilot certificate to coincide with the duration of a third class medical certificate;and
- allow the use of personal computer-based aviation training devices (PCATDs) to meet instrument currency, requirements for logbook entries, and credit for use of a flight simulator or flight training device (FTD) for the private and commercial pilot certificates.
10 Nutritional Tips to Keep You Lean
Dr. Cherry
It's that time for New Year's resolutions. Perhaps you've made a commitment to lose some weight (or to not gain any). To help you, nutrition experts have these 10 basic rules to keep you eating on the lean and narrow.
- Know how to eat out. Order something you know is low in fat and calories, such as a bowl of soup (clear, not creamy), a turkey sandwich (no cheese or mayonnaise), a salad or broiled fish. Go for pizzas with a thinner crust and half the cheese.
- Don't eat on autopilot. Only eat at the table. If you eat in front of the television or over the sink, you're probably shoveling it in without thinking.
- Know what a portion looks like. Eating huge amounts of anything will leave you putting on the pounds. To eyeball what a portion looks like, keep these tips in mind: a half-cup of pasta is the size of a tennis ball; an ounce of cheese is the size of a golf ball; three ounces of meat is the size of a deck of cards; one cup of beans or cereal is the size of a baseball; an ounce of pretzels will fit in your open, cupped hands; and an ounce of nuts will fit in the palm of one hand.
- Know the fat traps. Read food labels to find out the fat content of the food you eat. To substitute lower-fat alternatives: instead of potato chips, candy or cookies from the vending machine, eat pretzels; instead of anything fried, eat food broiled or grilled; instead of whole milk or cheese, eat one percent or skim milk and low-fat cheese; instead of ice cream, eat nonfat frozen yogurt or frozen fruit bars; and instead of creamy salad dressings, eat fat-free dressings (or just lemon juice or and/or balsamic vinegar).
- Choose filling foods. That means foods that are high in fiber, like fruits, vegetables and whole grains. Fiber makes you feel fuller longer and helps you eat less.
- Count liquid calories. Sodas, juices and sports drinks are all high in calories. Stick with no-calorie drinks like water or plain iced tea.
- Know when you've had enough. Many people eat beyond fullness to discomfort. Learning to identify when you're satisfied can pay off with fewer pounds gained.
- Don't use food to feel better. When faced with a stressful situation, don't turn to food for solace. Instead, exercise or do some other activity that will take your mind off food.
- Don't give in to a binge. Overindulging just once can easily turn into an entire week of gluttony. Instead, eat a low-calorie snack and wait a few minutes. You'll find your craving often disappears.
- Never skip breakfast. Not eating breakfast often leads to overeating later in the day.
Thursday, February 8, 2007
When Hallmark Writers Have a Bad Day
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire,
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
Heard your wife left you;
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years
That we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
What was I thinking??!!
Congratulations on your wedding day!
(Too bad no one likes your spouse.)
How could two people as beautiful as you...
Have such an ugly baby???
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
I never believed in Hell till I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
that you're not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion!
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
Someday I hope to get married...
But not to you.
Happy Birthday!
You look great for your age...
Almost lifelike!
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.
We have been friends for a very long time...
What do ya say we call it quits?
I'm so miserable without you.
It's almost like you're here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy!
(Did you ever find out who the father was?)
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Tennessee, West Virginia, and Mississippi)
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire,
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
Heard your wife left you;
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years
That we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
What was I thinking??!!
Congratulations on your wedding day!
(Too bad no one likes your spouse.)
How could two people as beautiful as you...
Have such an ugly baby???
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
I never believed in Hell till I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
that you're not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion!
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
Someday I hope to get married...
But not to you.
Happy Birthday!
You look great for your age...
Almost lifelike!
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.
We have been friends for a very long time...
What do ya say we call it quits?
I'm so miserable without you.
It's almost like you're here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy!
(Did you ever find out who the father was?)
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Tennessee, West Virginia, and Mississippi)
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
New Cool Supermarket
A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
Monday, February 5, 2007
Sunday, February 4, 2007
Friday, February 2, 2007
Urine trouble now; man disrupts United flight
Sometimes you've just got to go...
... That's what one man on a flight from Denver to Aspen found out yesterday. A passenger on a United flight that landed at Sardy Field at about 5 p.m. badly needed to relieve himself but at the time, FAA regulations said he couldn't. "
READ MORE:
Aspen Daily News | Aspen, Colorado
... That's what one man on a flight from Denver to Aspen found out yesterday. A passenger on a United flight that landed at Sardy Field at about 5 p.m. badly needed to relieve himself but at the time, FAA regulations said he couldn't. "
READ MORE:
Aspen Daily News | Aspen, Colorado
UNEDITED Paula Abdul Interview with FOX-News
A video of Paula Abdul on a Seattle FOX-News morning show.
Looks like WAY too many pain pills + WAY too much alcohol...
WATCH HERE
The 6 stages of a dog shock collar
This is a hilarious video from AFV of a guy testing out the 6 stages of a dog shock collar! SO FUNNY! This is a clean video, safe for your family to watch.
WATCH HERE
Albuquerque Man Helps Co-Pilot Land Continental 757
Albuquerque businessman Stephen W. Brown doesn't consider himself a hero.
But when a medical emergency struck down the captain of a nearly full Continental Airlines jet flying to Mexico, Brown climbed out of his passenger seat and into the cockpit.
The 47-year-old licensed private pilot, who usually flies a single-engine Cessna, helped land the Boeing 757-300 loaded with 209 other passengers at McAllen-Miller International Airport in McAllen, Texas, on Saturday.
READ MORE:
Albuquerque Man Helps Co-Pilot Land Continental 757
Airline News (AirportBusiness.com)
Teenager Owners Manual
Copyright 2004 W. Bruce Cameron
Please do not remove the copyright from this essay.
Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund).
IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)?
(c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.
BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.
ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone. No further programming is required.
SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.
CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."
FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.
CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.
OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.
WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there -- you just have to look for her.
Please do not remove the copyright from this essay.
Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund).
IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)?
(c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.
BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.
ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone. No further programming is required.
SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.
CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."
FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.
CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.
OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.
WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there -- you just have to look for her.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
