A Primer for Accordion Beginners

Get an accordion. The cheaper the better because they all sound the same.

Do not tell anyone what you have done -- it will only cause them to worry. They will find out soon enough.

Take the accordion out of the case and strap it on. It is better if the accordion rests on your chest instead of your back but, for the first few weeks, it doesn't really make that much difference.

For sounds to be produced, three things must happen: The bellows must be moving in or out. One or more of the keys or buttons must be pressed. All potential weapons within a one-mile radius must be collected and secured.

The third is the most important.

The buttons on the left side are chord buttons. The "C"
button has a dimple or nipple so you can find it without looking. (This is a safety feature. Before it was invented, thousands of accordion players suffered painful and sometimes disabling injuries, much to the delight of the general public.)

Never use more than three buttons. "Professional"
accordionists appear to be using lots of buttons, but they are actually just desperately trying to find the darned "C."

By the way, "Professional" means they have learned to smile while they do it.

Play the black and white keys. The high notes are at the bottom and the low notes are at the top. (That arrangement isn't supposed to make any sense. Accept it.)

Note: If you find the high notes at the top and the low notes at the bottom, you have either put the accordion on upside down or you have tried to repair it yourself. If the former, turn the accordion over. If the latter, pack your accordion up with hundreds of dollars and mail it far away for a long, long time.

Continue playing until someone begs you to stop or threatens your life, whichever comes first.

Put the accordion back in its case, order an accordion t-shirt, and wear it to your state's Accordion Fest.

Want to speak to someone?

It would probably be impossible to count the many ways in which technology improves our lives.

But then there are the times that technology can be a real hassle. No, I’m not talking about when your printer spits out gibberish. I’m talking about computerized telephone systems.

I can understand why companies like these systems. They cut down on expenses and help keep the prices of products and services down.

But sometimes you just need to speak to a human. That’s where ivrhacks comes in. It gives you shortcuts for interactive voice response systems. So you can skip prompts and get to a human. What a time saver!

http://ivrhacks.com/

Life with Computers

Oracle Closes Acquisition of Hyperion

Oracle Friday announced that it has completed its tender offer for Hyperion Solutions Corporation...
Read more...

Extreme Biker

Close to Home

Smoking Area

Newspaper Ad

The following is an ad that appeared four days in a row in a real-life newspaper -- the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY
For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 PM and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY
Notice: We regret having erred in R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 PM."

WEDNESDAY
Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 PM and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY
Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!

More Bulletin Bloopers

The youth group has raised almost $500 for drug abuse.

Correction: The following typo appeared in our last bulletin:
"Lunch will be gin at 12:15."
Please correct to read '12 noon.

Any church member over the age of 18 is invited to participate in this lay ministry program.
It requires a minimal amount of training and time.
The orientation will include six weekly classes of about 200 hours each Tuesday night.

The Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday.
Each person is asked to bring a friend, a vegetable, or dessert in a covered dish.
Meat and drinks will be furnished.

The last day of Vacation Bible School will include a field trip to the state game farm.
We could use some additional volunteers to help preparing the lunch of sandwiches, potato chips, cheese, crack, and cool aid that morning.

Remember the youth department rummage sale for Summer Camp.
We have a Gents three-speed bicycle,
also two ladies for sale, in good running order

Great Thinkers of 2006

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Ohio man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Cleveland had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they
tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong.

A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

Close to Home

All Aboard! -- Jet Bicycle

What Is "Marketing"?

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and compliment her hair. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich..."
That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me." She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's Customer Feedback.

Making the Teen Years Your Best Years

Drs. Gary and Greg Smalley

One time when Greg was a teenager and our family was driving from Arizona to Missouri, we saw a clear example of why it's so dangerous to allow anger to take root in a home. But we also saw how honor can erase anger in a matter of minutes.

Near the New Mexico state line, Greg and I (Gary) started arguing about an unresolved conflict. Norma, my wife, was in the back of the camper with our other two kids, so she couldn't hear us. Greg had taken some money from Norma's purse to buy a video game. She had given him permission to take $20, but he'd taken $30. What he called an "advance" on his allowance, I was calling stealing. We had argued about the details but had gotten nowhere. I didn't like the fact that Greg wanted to keep this a secret. But he was upset because he'd returned the extra money and didn't feel his mother needed to know about it. He was also afraid she'd get angry.

The other problem was that I'd been pretty harsh with my tongue. I'd blown up during the original discussion at home and called Greg a liar and a thief. I could tell his feelings were hurt, but I had no idea that anger had infiltrated his heart. At least I didn't know until we approached New Mexico. Then, like a volcano, his anger erupted in my face.

As Greg and I argued once again about telling Mom, the discussion quickly escalated to the point that I had to pull the camper off to the side of the road. Suddenly, Greg jumped out of the vehicle, hopped a fence, and disappeared over a hill. As he ran, I could hear him screaming, "I want out of this family!" Then he was gone.

Teenagers! I thought as I rolled my eyes. Watching all the cars and trucks that I'd passed earlier roar by, I wondered how long this was going to take. "This will certainly put us behind schedule!" I yelled to no one in particular.

Since this was my first runaway situation, I didn't know what to do. Should I wait until he came back? Should I run after him? It was so hot outside that I was leaning toward staying in the air-conditioned camper. However, the rest of the family made my decision when they collectively screamed, "Go get him!"

Now I was really frustrated. Greg was pretty fast. Who knew how far he'd run by this time?

As I approached the fence Greg had jumped over, I noticed a sign that read: NO TRESPASSING! DANGER!

Danger? I thought. What could possibly be dangerous out here in the middle of nowhere? So I climbed over the fence and walked to the top of the hill behind which Greg had disappeared. Then I quickly realized what made the sign necessary. Danger was everywhere.

The scene was like something out of the movie Dances with Wolves. An entire herd of huge buffalo was grazing down below. The thought passed through my mind that instead of driving to this area in our camper, we should have traveled in a covered wagon. I had been instantly transported back into the Old West.

As I scanned the area for Greg, I discovered that he had descended the far side of the hill and walked about 20 yards into the herd, then suddenly stopped. I smiled as I thought about how his stubbornness had carried him far into the herd but not all the way through. His strong will had given way to fear. Greg now stood face to face with a large male buffalo. As they stared at each other, the buffalo started snorting and stamping his foot, inching toward Greg. I knew very little about buffalo, but that didn't look good.

Greg was searching for an escape route when his eyes found me. His expression turned to one of great relief. We still had no idea how to solve his dilemma, however. I slowly walked down to where he was standing, thinking the buffalo might charge at any moment. Instead, though, he simply snorted a few more times and then walked away. Thankfully, my presence must have confused the great beast.

We later found out just how dangerous buffalo can be. We heard that if they're frightened, they can run through a wagon load of people in seconds, scattering their remains. Hearing this disturbing news caused the hair on our arms to stand straight up!

When we were out of harm's way, Greg and I stood on the other side of the fence and resolved our conflict. I asked him to explain why he'd run.

"It really hurt when you called me a liar and a thief," Greg choked out, not looking at me. "I know what I did was wrong, but it really killed me to hear you say those things. Having them brought up again today only made it worse. I just wanted to forget the whole thing happened."

Hearing his pain, I realized my sarcasm had deeply hurt my son. I wanted to say I had just been kidding, but he needed to hear me say I was sorry. So I asked him to forgive me for attacking him as a person. Then I put my arms around him and held him for a few seconds. When I could tell he'd forgiven me, I said, "Watch out???the buffalo is right behind us!" He jumped about three feet into the air, and then we laughed about our adventure.

Although Greg had been in the wrong for taking the money, I had been equally wrong for flippantly calling him names. The anger that had developed in his heart had started to cause serious damage. But once I asked him to forgive me, the bitterness melted in his heart, and he was able to seek forgiveness as well. When we got back to the camper, Greg and Norma had a long talk. Our other two children, Kari and Michael, asked what had happened, and I simply said, "It's a long story. Greg will tell you later. In the meantime, let's just say that it will be a while before Greg wants to visit the buffalo exhibit at the zoo!"

As Norma and I were reminded through that experience with Greg, it's so important to increase honor and decrease anger in the hearts of our teenagers. (Seeking forgiveness for the wrong we've done is one of the most honoring things we can do for one another.) In fact, doing those two things is the key to making our kids' teen years our best parenting years because it can make your family feel safe.

Illegal Turn

A man in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.

"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.

"Aw, Dad, it's okay" the son said. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

Leaning Slightly

I have a friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time.

It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor and have his legs checked out. For years, he refused and told me I was crazy.

But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4 inch shorter than his right.

A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured. Both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans.

"So," I said, "you didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg."

He just looked at me and said, "I stand corrected."

National Presidential Preference Straw Poll

I thought you would be interested in the up to the minute totals from our National Presidential Preference Straw Poll. There are some real surprises in the results.

Nearly 100,000 individuals have voted in the poll which ends May 13.

You might want to forward this to friends so they can participate.

To view the current votes, and to cast your vote, click here.

10 Minutes Alone

After a day of grueling maneuvers under the blazing Texas sun, the platoon stood in front of the barracks.

"All right, ladies, think about this," bellowed the drill instructor. "If you could have ten minutes alone, right now, with anyone in the world, who would it be?"

Amid much mumbling, one voice was heard from the back row.

"My recruiter."

Oracle $3.3B Hyperion Deal Cleared

REDWOOD SHORES, Calif. — Software company Oracle Corp. on Wednesday said it received regulatory clearance to acquire Hyperion Solutions Corp. for $3.3 billion.

The all-cash transaction was first announced in March.

The purchase of Santa Clara-based Hyperion is the company's largest since buying Siebel Systems Inc. in late 2005 for $6.1 billion.

Hyperion Solutions shares fell 5 cents at $51.85 on the Nasdaq Stock Market, and Oracle shares ended down 26 cents at $18.59 on the Nasdaq.

The Elements of E-Mail Style

It's easy — maybe too easy — to click 'Send,' but that little button contains a world of pitfalls. Ever fire off an angry all-caps e-mail? Or use a devious little BCC, to your later chagrin? Authors David Shipley and Will Schwalbe offer a guide to e-mailing in the modern world.

Git R' Done!

Creative transport solutions offered by these geniuses of transportation...