Tuesday, March 27, 2007

The Burial

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One afternoon a little guy named Tim was in his backyard filling in a hole when his neighbor looked over the fence. Tim looked pretty upset so his neighbor politely asked, "What'cha doing, Tim?" With tears in his eyes the little guy said, "My goldfish died" and then without looking up he continue, "I just buried him." The neighbor then said, "Well, that's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" With that, Tim patted down the last heap of earth and said, "That's because he's inside your dumb cat."

Sign Language for Your Dentist

Valerie Goldston

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You know how hard it is to talk to your dentist when your teeth are being cleaned or you are getting a filling? Well, I decided I would make up a sort of sign language that you could use to express yourself without having to mumble.


Below are 10 common things you might wish to say, numbered 1-10. These would be printed on a poster and mounted on the ceiling above the dentist chair.

It would give you something to read since procedures can be boring. When a phrase seems appropriate, you would just hold up the corresponding number of fingers to express yourself. The dentist would not need to stop to ask you to repeat yourself and could fix the problem right away.

1. Everything is fine, but my nose itches.

2. When you get a chance, there seems to be spit running down my neck.

3. So, I guess you had garlic again for lunch today?

4. You realize that wasn't my tooth that you just poked with that incredibly sharp tool of yours.

5. I would REALLY prefer you didn't do that again.

6. Could you please suction the chunk of debris that you missed before I gag?

7. Remember how I said I was numb? I think I may have been mistaken.

8. Wait a minute -- maybe I am allergic to latex.

9. Just so you know, if I don't get to take a break soon, I may bite you.

10. Please stop asking me stupid questions about myself or I will take that paper mask off your face.

Redneck DIY Construction

Bits From Bart...

How Poor Sleep Habits Affect Your Health

Dr. Cherry

According to the National Sleep Foundation, "Sleep deprivation has measurable negative effects on performance and physical and mental health. If you haven't had a good night's sleep, you're likely to pay for it. The price may be high: reduced energy, greater difficulty concentrating, diminished mood, and greater risk for accidents, including fall-asleep crashes. Work performance and relationships can suffer too. And pain may be intensified by the physical and mental consequences of lack of sleep."

So if you think that your sleep habits don't have an effect on your health, and that you are just fine with only a few hours sleep a night, you might want to consider this: Sleep experts say most adults, regardless of age, need between seven and nine hours a sleep each night for optimum performance, health and safety. And without adequate sleep, we put ourselves at increased risk. In fact, the National Sleep Foundation also states that "sleep deprivation has been linked to health problems such as obesity and high blood pressure, and negative mood and behavior."

Not getting enough sleep each night - or sleeping too much - may also increase your risk of developing type 2 diabetes, according to research conducted at Yale University and published in Diabetes Care. In the study, Dr. Henry Klar Yaggi and his colleagues studied the long-term (15-year) impact of sleep duration on the development of diabetes in more than 1,100 middle-aged and elderly men who were free of diabetes at the start of the study. They found that men getting no more than six hours of sleep per night, as well as those getting more than eight hours, were at significantly increased risk for developing diabetes, compared to men getting seven to eight hours of sleep each night. Specifically, "the risk of diabetes was roughly twofold higher in men reporting short sleep duration and more than threefold higher in those reporting long sleep duration," says Dr. Yaggi.

Orfeu Buxton, Ph.D., an instructor in medicine at Harvard Medical School, agrees: "Habitual sleep restriction could play a very important role in increasing risk for diabetes later in life, especially if maintained over many years and decades, much like a sedentary lifestyle or poor eating habits. It's not something that catches up with you in a week or in two weeks, but it's something that over decades can shorten your life."

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For more information on Dr. Cherry's ministry, visit his Web site: www.AbundantNutrition.com.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Rednecks...

Sunday, March 25, 2007

I've learned....

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Andy Rooney

I've learned....

...that the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

...that when you're in love, it shows.

...that just one person saying to me,"You've made my day!" makes my day.

...that having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

...that being kind is more important than being right.

...that you should never say no to a gift from a child.

...that I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

...that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

...that sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

...that simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

...that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

...that we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

...that money doesn't buy class.

...that it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

...that to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

...that when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

...that love, not time, heals all wounds.

...that the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

...that everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

...that no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

...that life is tough, but I'm tougher.

...that opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

...that when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

...that one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

...that a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

...that I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

...that when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

...that everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

...that the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Dressed to Kill

She's dressed to kill

For married men

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Funny Pictures

I appreciate MY job

Funny Pictures

Oh, come on...

Minister sues police over marijuana raid at church | Chron.com - Houston Chronicle: "A minister who was arrested on charges of marijuana possession has sued police for $30 million, contending his civil and religious rights were violated because he heads a church that uses pot during worship."

Close To Home

Groan...

A newlywed couple were struggling to establish themselves financially. The husband frequently complained about the costs of running the household and his wife’s inability to stick to a budget. Soon, they had a set of twins. This doubled all their expenses, and the husband complained even more. One day, he complained that his wife was using too much baby powder on the twins. But she was quick to point out that talc is cheap.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Bits From Bart...

Today's Stupid Criminal Award goes to...

Burglar pays dearly for credit card trick | Oddly Enough | Reuters: "A hapless German thief snapped his credit card in two while prying open a lock, inadvertently leaving behind his name and account details for police."
"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."
-- Johnny Carson

Rosie O'Donnell Vs Elisabeth Hasselbeck

Are you serious?!?

School sued over girl's socks - 03/20/2007 - MiamiHerald.com: "A seventh-grader might end up in court for wearing Winnie the Pooh socks to school. Toni Kay Scott, 14, was sent to an in-school suspension program called Students With Attitude Problems last year for violating a dress code, according to a lawsuit against the Napa Valley Unified School District and Redwood Middle School."