Kang Sheng Kou
Sinkings
Snow White
Radar
USS Cole
Thunderhorse
Airbus Beluga
Ан-225
Boeing 747 Shuttle carrier
Monday, February 12, 2007
Giant Cargo Ships and Planes
Mighty Servant
Kang Sheng Kou
Sinkings
Snow White
Radar
USS Cole
Thunderhorse
Airbus Beluga
Ан-225
Boeing 747 Shuttle carrier
Kang Sheng Kou
Sinkings
Snow White
Radar
USS Cole
Thunderhorse
Airbus Beluga
Ан-225
Boeing 747 Shuttle carrier
KingAir Blows out windshield, knocks crew out, busts the barber pole in free-fall from FL270, then lands
Home video of anything but a routine landing for two men from
Garter Snake
Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
Here's why.
A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream. The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.
About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.
He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
The little snake again crawled out from under the sofa. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, the burning drapes, were seen by the neighbors who called the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed!
Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
That's when he shot her.
Here's why.
A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream. The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.
About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.
He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
The little snake again crawled out from under the sofa. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, the burning drapes, were seen by the neighbors who called the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed!
Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
That's when he shot her.
Men's Thesaurus
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."
"OH, DON'T FUSS -- I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated: "I make the messes; she cleans them up."
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."
"OH, DON'T FUSS -- I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated: "I make the messes; she cleans them up."
Sunday, February 11, 2007
TX Governor accused of conflict of interest in vaccination order (OneNewsNow.com)
TX Governor accused of conflict of interest in vaccination order (OneNewsNow.com): A Texas pro-family group says Governor Rick Perry's executive order mandating HPV shots for schoolgirls entering sixth-grade not only usurps the authority of the State Legislature, but also the rights of parents. In addition, the American College of Pediatricians has recommended against the vaccine for young girls.
Former Mormon warns fellow Christians not to support Romney (OneNewsNow.com)
Former Mormon warns fellow Christians not to support Romney (OneNewsNow.com): "A one-time Mormon says anyone thinking about supporting presidential hopeful Mitt Romney -- a Mormon -- in his White House campaign needs to be aware of what distinguishes that religious group's beliefs from Christianity."
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Two Great Ideas
First Great Idea
Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use. The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants! That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down.
Second Great Idea:
Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq. Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot. This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo. Problem solved.
Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use. The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants! That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down.
Second Great Idea:
Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq. Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot. This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo. Problem solved.
Why We Home School
Student jailed in alleged plot to blow up school | Chron.com - Houston Chronicle: "Student jailed in alleged plot to blow up school"
Why We Home School
HOUSTON METRO | KHOU.com | News for Houston, Texas: "Some parents are fighting mad about school fighting"
Friday, February 9, 2007
Low-Bid Painter
Randy, the painter, often thinned his paint to make it go further. The Baptist Church decided to restore its biggest building. Randy put in a low bid and got the job. He bought the paint, and, yes, thinned it with turpentine.
Well, Randy was painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a clap of thunder. The sky opened, and the rain poured down. It washed the thinned paint off the church. Randy fell from the scaffold, landing among the gravestones. He was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty.
Randy raised his voice to the heavens, crying, "Oh, God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from above, a mighty voice roared: “Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
Well, Randy was painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a clap of thunder. The sky opened, and the rain poured down. It washed the thinned paint off the church. Randy fell from the scaffold, landing among the gravestones. He was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty.
Randy raised his voice to the heavens, crying, "Oh, God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from above, a mighty voice roared: “Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
FAA Proposes To Revamp Pilot Certification Regs
The FAA is proposing a major overhaul of its pilot certification regulations—FAR Part 61—that includes more than 200 changes. Many of those improvements stem from years of AOPA advocacy. The FAA is proposing three of AOPA's four major recommendations:
- Allow CFIs to renew their privileges every two years while keeping the original certificates;
- extend the duration of a student pilot certificate to coincide with the duration of a third class medical certificate;and
- allow the use of personal computer-based aviation training devices (PCATDs) to meet instrument currency, requirements for logbook entries, and credit for use of a flight simulator or flight training device (FTD) for the private and commercial pilot certificates.
10 Nutritional Tips to Keep You Lean
Dr. Cherry
It's that time for New Year's resolutions. Perhaps you've made a commitment to lose some weight (or to not gain any). To help you, nutrition experts have these 10 basic rules to keep you eating on the lean and narrow.
- Know how to eat out. Order something you know is low in fat and calories, such as a bowl of soup (clear, not creamy), a turkey sandwich (no cheese or mayonnaise), a salad or broiled fish. Go for pizzas with a thinner crust and half the cheese.
- Don't eat on autopilot. Only eat at the table. If you eat in front of the television or over the sink, you're probably shoveling it in without thinking.
- Know what a portion looks like. Eating huge amounts of anything will leave you putting on the pounds. To eyeball what a portion looks like, keep these tips in mind: a half-cup of pasta is the size of a tennis ball; an ounce of cheese is the size of a golf ball; three ounces of meat is the size of a deck of cards; one cup of beans or cereal is the size of a baseball; an ounce of pretzels will fit in your open, cupped hands; and an ounce of nuts will fit in the palm of one hand.
- Know the fat traps. Read food labels to find out the fat content of the food you eat. To substitute lower-fat alternatives: instead of potato chips, candy or cookies from the vending machine, eat pretzels; instead of anything fried, eat food broiled or grilled; instead of whole milk or cheese, eat one percent or skim milk and low-fat cheese; instead of ice cream, eat nonfat frozen yogurt or frozen fruit bars; and instead of creamy salad dressings, eat fat-free dressings (or just lemon juice or and/or balsamic vinegar).
- Choose filling foods. That means foods that are high in fiber, like fruits, vegetables and whole grains. Fiber makes you feel fuller longer and helps you eat less.
- Count liquid calories. Sodas, juices and sports drinks are all high in calories. Stick with no-calorie drinks like water or plain iced tea.
- Know when you've had enough. Many people eat beyond fullness to discomfort. Learning to identify when you're satisfied can pay off with fewer pounds gained.
- Don't use food to feel better. When faced with a stressful situation, don't turn to food for solace. Instead, exercise or do some other activity that will take your mind off food.
- Don't give in to a binge. Overindulging just once can easily turn into an entire week of gluttony. Instead, eat a low-calorie snack and wait a few minutes. You'll find your craving often disappears.
- Never skip breakfast. Not eating breakfast often leads to overeating later in the day.
Thursday, February 8, 2007
When Hallmark Writers Have a Bad Day
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire,
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
Heard your wife left you;
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years
That we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
What was I thinking??!!
Congratulations on your wedding day!
(Too bad no one likes your spouse.)
How could two people as beautiful as you...
Have such an ugly baby???
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
I never believed in Hell till I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
that you're not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion!
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
Someday I hope to get married...
But not to you.
Happy Birthday!
You look great for your age...
Almost lifelike!
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.
We have been friends for a very long time...
What do ya say we call it quits?
I'm so miserable without you.
It's almost like you're here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy!
(Did you ever find out who the father was?)
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Tennessee, West Virginia, and Mississippi)
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire,
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
Heard your wife left you;
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years
That we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
What was I thinking??!!
Congratulations on your wedding day!
(Too bad no one likes your spouse.)
How could two people as beautiful as you...
Have such an ugly baby???
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
I never believed in Hell till I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
that you're not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion!
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
Someday I hope to get married...
But not to you.
Happy Birthday!
You look great for your age...
Almost lifelike!
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.
We have been friends for a very long time...
What do ya say we call it quits?
I'm so miserable without you.
It's almost like you're here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy!
(Did you ever find out who the father was?)
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Tennessee, West Virginia, and Mississippi)
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
New Cool Supermarket
A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
Monday, February 5, 2007
Sunday, February 4, 2007
Friday, February 2, 2007
Urine trouble now; man disrupts United flight
Sometimes you've just got to go...
... That's what one man on a flight from Denver to Aspen found out yesterday. A passenger on a United flight that landed at Sardy Field at about 5 p.m. badly needed to relieve himself but at the time, FAA regulations said he couldn't. "
READ MORE:
Aspen Daily News | Aspen, Colorado
... That's what one man on a flight from Denver to Aspen found out yesterday. A passenger on a United flight that landed at Sardy Field at about 5 p.m. badly needed to relieve himself but at the time, FAA regulations said he couldn't. "
READ MORE:
Aspen Daily News | Aspen, Colorado
UNEDITED Paula Abdul Interview with FOX-News
A video of Paula Abdul on a Seattle FOX-News morning show.
Looks like WAY too many pain pills + WAY too much alcohol...
WATCH HERE
The 6 stages of a dog shock collar
This is a hilarious video from AFV of a guy testing out the 6 stages of a dog shock collar! SO FUNNY! This is a clean video, safe for your family to watch.
WATCH HERE
Albuquerque Man Helps Co-Pilot Land Continental 757
Albuquerque businessman Stephen W. Brown doesn't consider himself a hero.
But when a medical emergency struck down the captain of a nearly full Continental Airlines jet flying to Mexico, Brown climbed out of his passenger seat and into the cockpit.
The 47-year-old licensed private pilot, who usually flies a single-engine Cessna, helped land the Boeing 757-300 loaded with 209 other passengers at McAllen-Miller International Airport in McAllen, Texas, on Saturday.
READ MORE:
Albuquerque Man Helps Co-Pilot Land Continental 757
Airline News (AirportBusiness.com)
Teenager Owners Manual
Copyright 2004 W. Bruce Cameron
Please do not remove the copyright from this essay.
Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund).
IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)?
(c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.
BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.
ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone. No further programming is required.
SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.
CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."
FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.
CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.
OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.
WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there -- you just have to look for her.
Please do not remove the copyright from this essay.
Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund).
IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)?
(c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.
BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.
ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone. No further programming is required.
SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.
CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."
FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.
CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.
OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.
WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there -- you just have to look for her.
Thursday, February 1, 2007
Are You Capable of Teaching Your Kids Trigonometry?
HSLDA
Few homeschoolers have suffered the level of intimidation that the Pucketts of Camdenton, Missouri, recently experienced.
After a tipster called and said their kids were not in school, Donna and Gordie Puckett were told to attend a meeting with a juvenile officer. Home School Legal Defense Association Attorney Scott Woodruff helped them get ready for the meeting. If they were asked for anything beyond simply what the law required, he advised them to respond, "I'll review that request with my attorney and get back to you."
At the meeting, the juvenile officer and a social worker were present. The juvenile officer said she wanted to have the Pucketts' children tested. She harangued the parents with, "Are you capable to teach them trigonometry?" When the Pucketts asked what the purpose was of this interrogation, the juvenile officer said, "We want to make sure they can function in public school if they ever have to go back to public school."
Although the Pucketts brought with them abundant documentation of their homeschool program, the juvenile officer did not even glance it. She merely made a copy of the family's logs and filed it away. The social worker said, "I'll come do a home study and look at the other stuff." There were ominous hints: "If you are not up to standards we might have to .... If we have to remove your children from their home for their own protection ..., etc. ""
The Pucketts reported all this to Attorney Woodruff who explained that none of these demands or threats had a lawful basis. Before taking further steps, he wrote and asked the juvenile officer to put in writing everything she wanted the family to do. Officials will sometimes make outrageous demands orally, but are far more cautious when committing their threats to writing-they know the permanent record will provide a means to hold them accountable. Bullies thrive only when there is no accountability.
After six weeks of silence, the juvenile officer called and told the family she was going to close the file. She never replied to Woodruff's letter. None of the threats or demands were ever fulfilled.
HSLDA is familiar with Camdenton, Missouri. We spent nearly three years defending the Fitzgerald family there after the Camdenton R-III School District tried to force their homeschooled child to be evaluated for special needs, ending in a resounding victory for the family in the Federal 8th Circuit Court of Appeals in early 2006.
For more homeschool news check out www.hslda.org
Few homeschoolers have suffered the level of intimidation that the Pucketts of Camdenton, Missouri, recently experienced.
After a tipster called and said their kids were not in school, Donna and Gordie Puckett were told to attend a meeting with a juvenile officer. Home School Legal Defense Association Attorney Scott Woodruff helped them get ready for the meeting. If they were asked for anything beyond simply what the law required, he advised them to respond, "I'll review that request with my attorney and get back to you."
At the meeting, the juvenile officer and a social worker were present. The juvenile officer said she wanted to have the Pucketts' children tested. She harangued the parents with, "Are you capable to teach them trigonometry?" When the Pucketts asked what the purpose was of this interrogation, the juvenile officer said, "We want to make sure they can function in public school if they ever have to go back to public school."
Although the Pucketts brought with them abundant documentation of their homeschool program, the juvenile officer did not even glance it. She merely made a copy of the family's logs and filed it away. The social worker said, "I'll come do a home study and look at the other stuff." There were ominous hints: "If you are not up to standards we might have to .... If we have to remove your children from their home for their own protection ..., etc. ""
The Pucketts reported all this to Attorney Woodruff who explained that none of these demands or threats had a lawful basis. Before taking further steps, he wrote and asked the juvenile officer to put in writing everything she wanted the family to do. Officials will sometimes make outrageous demands orally, but are far more cautious when committing their threats to writing-they know the permanent record will provide a means to hold them accountable. Bullies thrive only when there is no accountability.
After six weeks of silence, the juvenile officer called and told the family she was going to close the file. She never replied to Woodruff's letter. None of the threats or demands were ever fulfilled.
HSLDA is familiar with Camdenton, Missouri. We spent nearly three years defending the Fitzgerald family there after the Camdenton R-III School District tried to force their homeschooled child to be evaluated for special needs, ending in a resounding victory for the family in the Federal 8th Circuit Court of Appeals in early 2006.
For more homeschool news check out www.hslda.org
Crowds snap photos of eagles apparently mating in a tree
"Crowds got a wild sex ed lesson in Crosby Wednesday when two eagles were spotted apparently mating in a tree. "LOCAL NEWS | KHOU.com | News for Houston, Texas:
Eagle lugging deer head causes outage - Animal Peculiarity - MSNBC.com
Eagle lugging deer head causes outage - Animal Peculiarity - MSNBC.com: "About 10,000 Juneau residents briefly lost power Sunday after a bald eagle lugging a deer head crashed into transmission lines."
Comair Reduces Minimum Pilot Hiring Hours
ONN, Ohio News Now - News - Comair Reduces Minimum Pilot Hiring Hours: "Comair used to require 1,200 total hours, and 200 multi-engine. Now, it's 600 hours total, 100 multi-engine. "
Dysfunctional--But Useful--Affirmations
By Sharon O’Hara, M.A., LMFT
- Today's Affirmation: I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
- Today's Affirmation: I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
- Today's Affirmation: I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
- Today's Affirmation: In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
- Today's Affirmation: I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
- Today's Affirmation: I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
- Today's Affirmation: The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
- Today's Affirmation: Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
- Today's Affirmation: Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
- Today's Affirmation: Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to incessant nagging?
- Today's Affirmation: Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
- Today's Affirmation: False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
- Today's Affirmation: A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
- Today's Affirmation: Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
- Today's Affirmation: Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.
- Today's Affirmation: I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
- Today's Affirmation: The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.
GarbageBag RainCoat
For just that special someone on your Valentine's list.
instructables : GarbageBag-RainCoat
instructables : GarbageBag-RainCoat
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Ten Reasons to Buy Windows Vista
Ten Reasons to Buy Windows Vista: "And a few reasons to think twice before upgrading."
Why We Homeschool
abc13.com: Greased, naked student disrupts lunch: "A high school lunch period was disrupted Monday by a greased, naked student who ran around screaming and flailing his arms until police twice used a stun gun on him, authorities said."
Why We Homeschool
abc13.com: Galveston teacher under investigation for inappropriate conduct: "Galveston teacher under investigation for inappropriate conduct"
Why We Homeschool
HOUSTON METRO | KHOU.com | News for Houston, Texas: "HISD educator says student attacked him"
Tired Mom
Sent in to Crosswalk.com from a tired mom...
I had put in an 18-hour day at work and was upset to find my four-year-old Zack asleep in bed with my husband when I got home. Zack squirms so much it is impossible to get a decent night's sleep when he is with us. Exhausted, I collapsed into his bed instead, where I slept better than I had in years.
The next morning, I asked my husband, "Why was Zack in bed with you?"
"Oh," he replied, shrugging, "he wet his bed, and I was too tired to change his sheets."
I had put in an 18-hour day at work and was upset to find my four-year-old Zack asleep in bed with my husband when I got home. Zack squirms so much it is impossible to get a decent night's sleep when he is with us. Exhausted, I collapsed into his bed instead, where I slept better than I had in years.
The next morning, I asked my husband, "Why was Zack in bed with you?"
"Oh," he replied, shrugging, "he wet his bed, and I was too tired to change his sheets."
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
There is nothing like a male (guys)
By DAVE BARRY
This classic Dave Barry column was originally published May 12, 1996.
Today we present another part of our ongoing series, ''Stuff That Guys Do.''
Our first example of guys doing stuff comes from the University of Washington Daily, which recently published a report written by Jeremy Simer and sent in by alert reader Donna Bellinger, headlined, ''Fraternity Game Turns Into Arrest.'' What happened, according to this report, was that some guys were up on the roof of the Theta Delta Chi fraternity house, and, as guys will do when they spend any time together in an elevated location, they began sharing their innermost feelings.
I am, of course, kidding. These guys, being guys, began dropping things off the roof, starting with smaller items, and eventually escalating -- this is when the police were summoned -- to a chair and a rowing machine.
A fraternity member is quoted as follows: ''We're frat guys. What can you say?''
Far be it from me to indulge in sex stereotyping here, but I am willing to bet that the reaction of you readers to this story is divided along gender lines, as follows:
FEMALE REACTION: ''Why would anybody do anything so stupid?''
MALE REACTION: ''A rowing machine! Cool!''
The simple truth is that guys have this overpowering urge to watch stuff fall and crash. If you ever see an inappropriate object, such as a piano, hurtling toward the Earth from a great height, you can be virtually certain that guys are responsible.
Ask yourself this question: If you were standing in the middle of a bridge spanning a magnificent wilderness gorge, at the bottom of which was a spectacular whitewater river, what would you do?
FEMALE RESPONSE: Admire the view.
MALE RESPONSE: Spit.
Yes, the truth is that there are few things that a guy enjoys more than proudly watching a gob of spit -- his spit; spit that he produced -- falling a tremendous distance. This is a male impulse that females frankly cannot relate to, just as males cannot relate to the female impulse to go into greeting-card stores and spend hours shopping for greeting cards even when there is no particular occasion or person you need to send a greeting card to, which is what women frequently do when guys are out spitting.
I am not suggesting here that all guys ever do is drop stuff. Sometimes they also throw stuff, and sometimes this can lead to trouble. I have in my possession an official U.S. government memorandum, sent to me by an alert but anonymous reader, that was written by Paul E. Thompson, acting director, Western Region, Inspection Operations, Food and Safety Inspection Service, U.S. Department of Agriculture.
Here is the first paragraph of this memorandum, which I absolutely swear I am not making up:
'This is to remind all personnel of the danger and inadvisability of engaging in activities commonly referred to as 'Horseplay.' A few examples of horseplay include, but are not limited to: throwing spleens, squirting water and flipping lymph nodes.''
In professional journalism, we have an old saying that we frequently say, which goes like this: ''You do not print a story about federal employees engaging in horseplay involving spleens or lymph nodes without making a sincere effort to get the other side.'' So I contacted the USDA's Western Region office, which is located -- and let this be a lesson to those who claim that the federal government is poorly managed -- in the West.
I spoke with Dr. Bruce Kaplan, a public affairs specialist, who explained that, ''on rare occasions,'' poultry and meat inspectors, as well as plant employees, will become bored and flip meat and poultry organs at each other.
(He did not specifically state that these were guys doing this, but some things go without saying.)
''In the poultry plants, they will flip spleens,'' explained Dr. Kaplan. ''In the red-meat plants, they will flip lymph nodes.''
Dr. Kaplan stressed that ''there is absolutely no danger in terms of food safety.'' The problem, he said, is the safety of plant workers: ''When they walk on the floor where these organs fall, they could slip.''
In hopes of making the public more aware of the potential danger, I asked Dr. Kaplan to describe a poultry spleen.
''These are little small spleens,'' he explained. ''They're tiny little slippery spleens.''
I think we can draw several conclusions from this story:
1. First and foremost, ''Slippery Spleens'' would be an excellent name for a rock band.
2. Although it has become fashionable to knock ''big government,'' we must not forget that, without the quick and decisive action by the USDA in the form of acting director Thompson's memorandum, the ordinary public, in the form of food-plant workers, would have no protection from the threat of slipping on organs flipped by USDA inspectors.
3. If the USDA ever has a shortage of inspectors, it should definitely consider recruiting members of Theta Delta Chi.
This classic Dave Barry column was originally published May 12, 1996.
Today we present another part of our ongoing series, ''Stuff That Guys Do.''
Our first example of guys doing stuff comes from the University of Washington Daily, which recently published a report written by Jeremy Simer and sent in by alert reader Donna Bellinger, headlined, ''Fraternity Game Turns Into Arrest.'' What happened, according to this report, was that some guys were up on the roof of the Theta Delta Chi fraternity house, and, as guys will do when they spend any time together in an elevated location, they began sharing their innermost feelings.
I am, of course, kidding. These guys, being guys, began dropping things off the roof, starting with smaller items, and eventually escalating -- this is when the police were summoned -- to a chair and a rowing machine.
A fraternity member is quoted as follows: ''We're frat guys. What can you say?''
Far be it from me to indulge in sex stereotyping here, but I am willing to bet that the reaction of you readers to this story is divided along gender lines, as follows:
FEMALE REACTION: ''Why would anybody do anything so stupid?''
MALE REACTION: ''A rowing machine! Cool!''
The simple truth is that guys have this overpowering urge to watch stuff fall and crash. If you ever see an inappropriate object, such as a piano, hurtling toward the Earth from a great height, you can be virtually certain that guys are responsible.
Ask yourself this question: If you were standing in the middle of a bridge spanning a magnificent wilderness gorge, at the bottom of which was a spectacular whitewater river, what would you do?
FEMALE RESPONSE: Admire the view.
MALE RESPONSE: Spit.
Yes, the truth is that there are few things that a guy enjoys more than proudly watching a gob of spit -- his spit; spit that he produced -- falling a tremendous distance. This is a male impulse that females frankly cannot relate to, just as males cannot relate to the female impulse to go into greeting-card stores and spend hours shopping for greeting cards even when there is no particular occasion or person you need to send a greeting card to, which is what women frequently do when guys are out spitting.
I am not suggesting here that all guys ever do is drop stuff. Sometimes they also throw stuff, and sometimes this can lead to trouble. I have in my possession an official U.S. government memorandum, sent to me by an alert but anonymous reader, that was written by Paul E. Thompson, acting director, Western Region, Inspection Operations, Food and Safety Inspection Service, U.S. Department of Agriculture.
Here is the first paragraph of this memorandum, which I absolutely swear I am not making up:
'This is to remind all personnel of the danger and inadvisability of engaging in activities commonly referred to as 'Horseplay.' A few examples of horseplay include, but are not limited to: throwing spleens, squirting water and flipping lymph nodes.''
In professional journalism, we have an old saying that we frequently say, which goes like this: ''You do not print a story about federal employees engaging in horseplay involving spleens or lymph nodes without making a sincere effort to get the other side.'' So I contacted the USDA's Western Region office, which is located -- and let this be a lesson to those who claim that the federal government is poorly managed -- in the West.
I spoke with Dr. Bruce Kaplan, a public affairs specialist, who explained that, ''on rare occasions,'' poultry and meat inspectors, as well as plant employees, will become bored and flip meat and poultry organs at each other.
(He did not specifically state that these were guys doing this, but some things go without saying.)
''In the poultry plants, they will flip spleens,'' explained Dr. Kaplan. ''In the red-meat plants, they will flip lymph nodes.''
Dr. Kaplan stressed that ''there is absolutely no danger in terms of food safety.'' The problem, he said, is the safety of plant workers: ''When they walk on the floor where these organs fall, they could slip.''
In hopes of making the public more aware of the potential danger, I asked Dr. Kaplan to describe a poultry spleen.
''These are little small spleens,'' he explained. ''They're tiny little slippery spleens.''
I think we can draw several conclusions from this story:
1. First and foremost, ''Slippery Spleens'' would be an excellent name for a rock band.
2. Although it has become fashionable to knock ''big government,'' we must not forget that, without the quick and decisive action by the USDA in the form of acting director Thompson's memorandum, the ordinary public, in the form of food-plant workers, would have no protection from the threat of slipping on organs flipped by USDA inspectors.
3. If the USDA ever has a shortage of inspectors, it should definitely consider recruiting members of Theta Delta Chi.
Baby Boomer Hit Parade!
It's been fun being a baby boomer ... until now. Some of the artists of the '50s and'60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:
1. Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
2. The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
3. Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
4. Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
5. Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
6. Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.
7. Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver .
8. The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
9. Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
10. Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade Of Hair.
11. Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
12. The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
13. Abba--- Denture Queen.
14. Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
15. Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
16. Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
17. Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again
1. Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
2. The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
3. Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
4. Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
5. Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
6. Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.
7. Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver .
8. The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
9. Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
10. Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade Of Hair.
11. Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
12. The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
13. Abba--- Denture Queen.
14. Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
15. Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
16. Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
17. Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again
I love lawyers
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million dollars. His bookkeeper is deaf and that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper and the bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper 's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper and the bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper 's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Monday, January 29, 2007
PC Gadget: "Do you know the time?"
From Kim Komando
You probably don't think much about your computer clock. But you rely on it more than you realize.
However, the Windows clock is a little ho-hum. Sure, it will show you a calendar when you double-click it. That’s about it, though.
If you want more power from your clock, download AlfaClock Classic. This free program gives you a handy boost.
You can customize the display of the clock. You can also set reminders – which is good for those who love to surf. It can even read you the time!
You probably don't think much about your computer clock. But you rely on it more than you realize.
However, the Windows clock is a little ho-hum. Sure, it will show you a calendar when you double-click it. That’s about it, though.
If you want more power from your clock, download AlfaClock Classic. This free program gives you a handy boost.
You can customize the display of the clock. You can also set reminders – which is good for those who love to surf. It can even read you the time!
Urban Legends: "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter"
The claim that some comestible is but a "single molecule away" from being a decidedly inedible (or even toxic) substance has been applied to a variety of processed foods. These types of statements (even if they were true) are essentially meaningless. Many disparate substances share similar chemical properties, but even the slightest variation in molecular structure can make a world of difference in the qualities of those substances.
http://www.snopes.com/food/warnings/butter.asp
http://www.snopes.com/food/warnings/butter.asp
Urban Legends Reference Pages: Oil of Olé
Claim: Ordinary use of Canola oil is dangerous to consumers.
Status: False.
Urban Legends Reference Pages: Canola Oil
Status: False.
Urban Legends Reference Pages: Canola Oil
Struggling to sleep?
From www.heartwiseministries.org
SLEEP IS VERY important to the body. Not everyone needs the same amount of sleep. Even animals require different amounts of sleep. A giraffe sleeps an average of 1.9 hours a day, but a brown bat spends 19.9 hours a day asleep. Can you imagine spending 83 percent of your time asleep? We do spend up to one-third of our lives asleep, however; yet few of us spend all of our sleep time doing it well. Sixty million Americans suffer from insomnia, yet the FDA recommends using sleeping pills for only two weeks or less. What is the answer? Here are a few suggestions:
SLEEP IS VERY important to the body. Not everyone needs the same amount of sleep. Even animals require different amounts of sleep. A giraffe sleeps an average of 1.9 hours a day, but a brown bat spends 19.9 hours a day asleep. Can you imagine spending 83 percent of your time asleep? We do spend up to one-third of our lives asleep, however; yet few of us spend all of our sleep time doing it well. Sixty million Americans suffer from insomnia, yet the FDA recommends using sleeping pills for only two weeks or less. What is the answer? Here are a few suggestions:
- Keep the stomach empty four hours before going to bed. When you eat, the stomach is not resting. Acid is being formed to digest food, and sometimes this acid reflexes back into the esophagus and causes problems
- Avoid stimulants. This may include caffeine, which can last up to 20 hours in the body. Also, Television can keep the mind revved up. Try to keep the mind relaxed. Read the Bible and pray before sleeping.
- Get more exercise. This will make you more tired.
- Keep the room dark. Darkness stimulates the production of melatonin from the pineal gland. This is the substance God made which helps us sleep naturally
- Laugh. This promotes endorphins, which counteract stress hormones and relax our muscles.
- Avoid anger. Ephesians 4:26 advises us, ''Do not let the sun go down on your wrath'' (NKJV).
Chili Judge
Copyright 1997 W. Bruce Cameron Please do not remove the copyright from this essay
Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an Internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an Internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
- JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
- JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
- CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
- JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
- JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
- CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
- JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
- JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
- CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
- JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
- JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
- CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled—it's kinda cute.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
- JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
- JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
- CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
- JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
- JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
- CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
- JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
- JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am a bit worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
- CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
- JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
- JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
- CAMERON: Momma?
Why We Homeschool
Pills handed out 'like candy' hospitalize students | Chron.com - Houston Chronicle: "Drugs, including Xanax, were passed out 'like candy', police say"
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Bosses behaving badly
Bosses behaving badly: "Bosses behaving badly
The mind-boggling mishaps that took place in the executive - and hotel - suite."
The mind-boggling mishaps that took place in the executive - and hotel - suite."
101 Dumbest Moments in Business
101 Dumbest Moments in Business : "The year's biggest boors, buffoons, and blunderers"
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Sunrise in Seattle
Sunrise in Seattle
Originally uploaded by JetMan777.
Waking up in Bellevue WA before heading over the pass to Cle Elum
Airline pilot is stricken after takeoff, dies - CNN.com
Airline pilot is stricken after takeoff, dies - CNN.com: "The pilot of a Continental Airlines flight became ill after takeoff and was later pronounced dead after the plane made an emergency landing, a company spokeswoman said."
Friday, January 19, 2007
Office Vocabulary
Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, messes up everything, and then leaves.
Blowing Your Buffer - Losing your train of thought.
Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands.
CLM (Career-Limiting Move) - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity, e.g., trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Depotphobia - Fear associated with entering a Costco or Kmart because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia, Tandyagonia, or Circuit Cityatosis.
Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the Adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-a-cubicle comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him -- he's 404, man."
Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, or housing development subdivisions. Used as in "We were so lost in Generica that I forgot what city we were in."
GOOD ("Get-Out-Of-Debt") Job - A well-paying job people will take to pay off their debts, which they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the daylights out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Prairie Dogging - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and all the co-workers' heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Telephone Number Salary - A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.
Umfriend - A relationship of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dale, my...um...friend."
Yuppie Food Stamps - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We owe $8 each, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."
Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, messes up everything, and then leaves.
Blowing Your Buffer - Losing your train of thought.
Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands.
CLM (Career-Limiting Move) - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity, e.g., trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Depotphobia - Fear associated with entering a Costco or Kmart because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia, Tandyagonia, or Circuit Cityatosis.
Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the Adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-a-cubicle comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him -- he's 404, man."
Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, or housing development subdivisions. Used as in "We were so lost in Generica that I forgot what city we were in."
GOOD ("Get-Out-Of-Debt") Job - A well-paying job people will take to pay off their debts, which they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the daylights out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Prairie Dogging - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and all the co-workers' heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Telephone Number Salary - A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.
Umfriend - A relationship of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dale, my...um...friend."
Yuppie Food Stamps - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We owe $8 each, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Buying a Computer for Vista ... and Beyond
Buying a Computer for Vista ... and Beyond:
"If most accounts are to be believed, Vista is a frightening monster that will place more demands on your hardware than any other operating system you've ever encountered. "
"If most accounts are to be believed, Vista is a frightening monster that will place more demands on your hardware than any other operating system you've ever encountered. "
Windows Vista A to Z
Windows Vista A to Z:
Reviews, analyses, how-tos, hot issues and predictions about Microsoft's new OS
Reviews, analyses, how-tos, hot issues and predictions about Microsoft's new OS
Telecommute. Kill a career?
Telecommute. Kill a career?: "Employees who frequently telecommute may damage or kill their chances to advance within a particular career, according to a recent survey."
China now may have ability to knock out U.S. GPS and spy satellites
U.S. official: Chinese test missile obliterates satellite - CNN.com:
• Chinese use a missile to ram and destroy an old, orbiting satellite
• Experts: China now may have ability to knock out U.S. GPS and spy satellites
• Washington issues formal diplomatic protest"
• Chinese use a missile to ram and destroy an old, orbiting satellite
• Experts: China now may have ability to knock out U.S. GPS and spy satellites
• Washington issues formal diplomatic protest"
Joel Osteen Tops Most Influential Christians in America
"Barbara Walters' most fascinating pastor, Joel Osteen, now tops the list of the 50 Most Influential Christians in America."Joel Osteen Tops Most Influential Christians in America
'Idol' tops itself again, sets record
'Idol' tops itself again, sets record - CNN.com:• 'American Idol' premiere gets highest ratings in its history
• 37.3 million people watched 6th season opener
• Some fans disappointed by focus on poor performers"
Seating Maps & Reviews for 100 Airlines; Covers most Boeing and Airbus Airplanes
Seating Maps & Reviews for 100 Airlines; Covers most Boeing and Airbus Airplanes: "Airplane Seat Comfort Reports ™
Your Official guide to airplane seat reviews, rating and in-flight services"
Your Official guide to airplane seat reviews, rating and in-flight services"
Part from plane bombards house
edmontonsun.com - World - Part from plane bombards house: "A small piece of metal apparently from an aircraft crashed yesterday through the roof of a home near Midway Airport,"...
Microsoft to Offer Windows Vista Online - Forbes.com
Microsoft to Offer Windows Vista Online - Forbes.com: "Microsoft Corp. will make its new Windows Vista operating system available for sale and download online, marking a new step for the software company, which has previously sold Windows only on packaged discs or pre-loaded on computers."
A Day In The Life...
I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first but then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye-- they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table. So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye-- they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table. So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
"Executive Function" Self-Test
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, insert the giraffe, and close the door.
This question tested whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
Did you say, "Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the door?" Wrong answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
Correct Answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.
This tested your memory.
OK, even if you didn't answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities:
4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
This tested whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Accenture Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Accenture Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
What's It Like To Have Add?
by Edward M. Hallowell, M.D.
What is it like to have ADD? What is the feel of the syndrome? I have a short talk that I often give to groups as an introduction to the subjective experience of ADD and what it is like to live with it:
Attention Deficit Disorder. First of all I resent the term. As far as I'm concerned most people have Attention Surplus Disorder. I mean, life being what it is, who can pay attention to anything for very long? Is it really a sign of mental health to be able to balance your checkbook, sit still in your chair, and never speak out of turn? As far as I can see, many people who don't have ADD are charter members of the Congenitally Boring.
But anyway, be that as it may, there is this syndrome called ADD or ADHD, depending on what book you read. So what's it like to have ADD? Some people say the so-called syndrome doesn't even exist, but believe me, it does. Many metaphors come to mind to describe it. It's like driving in the rain with bad windshield wipers. Everything is smudged and blurred and you're speeding along, and it's reeeeally frustrating not being able to see very well. Or it's like listening to a radio station with a lot of static and you have to strain to hear what's going on. Or, it's like trying to build a house of cards in a dust storm. You have to build a structure to protect yourself from the wind before you can even start on the cards.
In other ways it's like being super-charged all the time. You get one idea and you have to act on it, and then, what do you know, but you've got another idea before you've finished up with the first one, and so you go for that one, but of course a third idea intercepts the second, and you just have to follow that one, and pretty soon people are calling you disorganized and impulsive and all sorts of impolite words that miss the point completely. Because you're trying really hard. It's just that you have all these invisible vectors pulling you this way and that which makes it really hard to stay on task.
Plus which, you're spilling over all the time. You're drumming your fingers, tapping your feet, humming a song, whistling, looking here, looking there, scratching, stretching, doodling, and people think you're not paying attention or that you're not interested, but all you're doing is spilling over so that you can pay attention. I can pay a lot better attention when I'm taking a walk or listening to music or even when I'm in a crowded, noisy room than when I'm still and surrounded by silence. God save me from the reading rooms. Have you ever been into the one in Widener Library? The only thing that saves it is that so many of the people who use it have ADD that there's a constant soothing bustle.
What is it like to have ADD? Buzzing. Being here and there and everywhere. Someone once said, "Time is the thing that keeps everything from happening all at once." Time parcels moments out into separate bits so that we can do one thing at a time. In ADD, this does not happen. In ADD, time collapses. Time becomes a black hole. To the person with ADD it feels as if everything is happening all at once. This creates a sense of inner turmoil or even panic. The individual loses perspective and the ability to prioritize. He or she is always on the go, trying to keep the world from caving in on top.
advertisement
Museums. (Have you noticed how I skip around? That's part of the deal. I change channels a lot. And radio stations. Drives my wife nuts. "Can't we listen to just one song all the way through?") Anyway, museums. The way I go through a museum is the way some people go through Filene's basement. Some of this, some of that, oh, this one looks nice, but what about that rack over there? Gotta hurry, gotta run. It's not that I don't like art. I love art. But my way of loving it makes most people think I'm a real Philistine. On the other hand, sometimes I can sit and look at one painting for a long while. I'll get into the world of the painting and buzz around in there until I forget about everything else. In these moments I, like most people with ADD, can hyperfocus, which gives the lie to the notion that we can never pay attention. Sometimes we have turbocharged focusing abilities. It just depends upon the situation.
Lines. I'm almost incapable of waiting in lines. I just can't wait, you see. That's the hell of it. Impulse leads to action. I'm very short on what you might call the intermediate reflective step between impulse and action. That's why I, like so many people with ADD, lack tact. Tact is entirely dependent on the ability to consider one's words before uttering them. We ADD types don't do this so well. I remember in the fifth grade I noticed my math teacher's hair in a new style and blurted out, "Mr. Cook, is that a toupee you're wearing?" I got kicked out of class. I've since learned how to say these inappropriate things in such a way or at such a time that they can in fact be helpful. But it has taken time. That's the thing about ADD. It takes a lot of adapting to get on in life. But it certainly can be done, and be done very well.
As you might imagine, intimacy can be a problem if you've got to be constantly changing the subject, pacing, scratching and blurting out tactless remarks. My wife has learned not to take my tuning out personally, and she says that when I'm there, I'm really there. At first, when we met, she thought I was some kind of nut, as I would bolt out of restaurants at the end of meals or disappear to another planet during a conversation. Now she has grown accustomed to my sudden coming and goings.
What is it like to have ADD? What is the feel of the syndrome? I have a short talk that I often give to groups as an introduction to the subjective experience of ADD and what it is like to live with it:
Attention Deficit Disorder. First of all I resent the term. As far as I'm concerned most people have Attention Surplus Disorder. I mean, life being what it is, who can pay attention to anything for very long? Is it really a sign of mental health to be able to balance your checkbook, sit still in your chair, and never speak out of turn? As far as I can see, many people who don't have ADD are charter members of the Congenitally Boring.
But anyway, be that as it may, there is this syndrome called ADD or ADHD, depending on what book you read. So what's it like to have ADD? Some people say the so-called syndrome doesn't even exist, but believe me, it does. Many metaphors come to mind to describe it. It's like driving in the rain with bad windshield wipers. Everything is smudged and blurred and you're speeding along, and it's reeeeally frustrating not being able to see very well. Or it's like listening to a radio station with a lot of static and you have to strain to hear what's going on. Or, it's like trying to build a house of cards in a dust storm. You have to build a structure to protect yourself from the wind before you can even start on the cards.
In other ways it's like being super-charged all the time. You get one idea and you have to act on it, and then, what do you know, but you've got another idea before you've finished up with the first one, and so you go for that one, but of course a third idea intercepts the second, and you just have to follow that one, and pretty soon people are calling you disorganized and impulsive and all sorts of impolite words that miss the point completely. Because you're trying really hard. It's just that you have all these invisible vectors pulling you this way and that which makes it really hard to stay on task.
Plus which, you're spilling over all the time. You're drumming your fingers, tapping your feet, humming a song, whistling, looking here, looking there, scratching, stretching, doodling, and people think you're not paying attention or that you're not interested, but all you're doing is spilling over so that you can pay attention. I can pay a lot better attention when I'm taking a walk or listening to music or even when I'm in a crowded, noisy room than when I'm still and surrounded by silence. God save me from the reading rooms. Have you ever been into the one in Widener Library? The only thing that saves it is that so many of the people who use it have ADD that there's a constant soothing bustle.
What is it like to have ADD? Buzzing. Being here and there and everywhere. Someone once said, "Time is the thing that keeps everything from happening all at once." Time parcels moments out into separate bits so that we can do one thing at a time. In ADD, this does not happen. In ADD, time collapses. Time becomes a black hole. To the person with ADD it feels as if everything is happening all at once. This creates a sense of inner turmoil or even panic. The individual loses perspective and the ability to prioritize. He or she is always on the go, trying to keep the world from caving in on top.
advertisement
Museums. (Have you noticed how I skip around? That's part of the deal. I change channels a lot. And radio stations. Drives my wife nuts. "Can't we listen to just one song all the way through?") Anyway, museums. The way I go through a museum is the way some people go through Filene's basement. Some of this, some of that, oh, this one looks nice, but what about that rack over there? Gotta hurry, gotta run. It's not that I don't like art. I love art. But my way of loving it makes most people think I'm a real Philistine. On the other hand, sometimes I can sit and look at one painting for a long while. I'll get into the world of the painting and buzz around in there until I forget about everything else. In these moments I, like most people with ADD, can hyperfocus, which gives the lie to the notion that we can never pay attention. Sometimes we have turbocharged focusing abilities. It just depends upon the situation.
Lines. I'm almost incapable of waiting in lines. I just can't wait, you see. That's the hell of it. Impulse leads to action. I'm very short on what you might call the intermediate reflective step between impulse and action. That's why I, like so many people with ADD, lack tact. Tact is entirely dependent on the ability to consider one's words before uttering them. We ADD types don't do this so well. I remember in the fifth grade I noticed my math teacher's hair in a new style and blurted out, "Mr. Cook, is that a toupee you're wearing?" I got kicked out of class. I've since learned how to say these inappropriate things in such a way or at such a time that they can in fact be helpful. But it has taken time. That's the thing about ADD. It takes a lot of adapting to get on in life. But it certainly can be done, and be done very well.
As you might imagine, intimacy can be a problem if you've got to be constantly changing the subject, pacing, scratching and blurting out tactless remarks. My wife has learned not to take my tuning out personally, and she says that when I'm there, I'm really there. At first, when we met, she thought I was some kind of nut, as I would bolt out of restaurants at the end of meals or disappear to another planet during a conversation. Now she has grown accustomed to my sudden coming and goings.
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